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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,961 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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M. Hawbaker
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:groan
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Blackjack

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
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Blackjack

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty.
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Blackjack

Another oldie but goodie.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dummy, get in."
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Blackjack

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"
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Blackjack

IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS............

That the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
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Blackjack

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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cricket55
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:lol

Had alot to read up on.
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cricket55
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A lady brings her limp duck into a Vet clinic, says to the vet she wants her duck looked over. The vet takes the duck lays it on the exam table and looks him over and listens with sethoscope.
"Sorry your duck is dead." says the vet
The old lady says "That is impossible, you did not do any examinations with test."
The vet leaves the room and returns with a black Lab. The lab places his paws on the exam table, sniffs over the duck. He woofs and then leaves the room. Vet says sorry the dog says your duck is dead.
"No, you need to do more." says the old lady.
Next a cat comes in and jumps up on the table, sniffs the duck over, sits back and sadly meows and leaves the room.
Once again the vet tells the lady her duck is dead according to the cat exam. She starts to cry softly, the vet moves over to a computer and runs off a paper and hands it to the old lady.
The bill said $150, this upset the old lady. "Well you did nothing, and why is it so expensive?'
The vet says, "With the Lab results and the Cat scan it costs more, if You can gone with what I originally said it would have been only $20."
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Blackjack

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH


1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a used pair of men's size 14-16
work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back."
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Blackjack

Not a joke but still interesting in a funny way.

Did You Know

That the words race car spelled backward spells race car..

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense, ate.
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Blackjack

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my gym shorts on,
the class was over.
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Blackjack

Another groaner.

A guy gets stopped by the bouncer at a nightclub. "You have to wear a tie," says the bouncer.
The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back to the club.
The bouncer lets him in but warns, "I'll be watching, so you better not start anything!"
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