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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,963 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 14, 2014, 7:34 pm Post #406 |
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President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle." Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.” “Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.” Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President? |
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| Blackjack | August 16, 2014, 12:48 pm Post #407 |
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I've been kind of busy lately so here's one to get all caught up. Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks. After a couple of miles, one of them says, "Man, all these steps are killing me!" The other drunk replies, "It's not all these steps; it's these darned low handrails!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 16, 2014, 3:33 pm Post #408 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | August 17, 2014, 8:01 am Post #409 |
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A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons. Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days. Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes. This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover. |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 18, 2014, 11:30 am Post #410 |
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Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Bureaucrats don't screw things in, they just screw things up. |
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| Blackjack | August 19, 2014, 7:30 am Post #411 |
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Wisdom that comes with age. A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school. Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer. A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?" "A quarter!?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit." |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 19, 2014, 8:06 am Post #412 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | August 20, 2014, 7:19 am Post #413 |
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." |
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| Blackjack | August 21, 2014, 9:54 am Post #414 |
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A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing." |
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| Blackjack | August 22, 2014, 7:38 am Post #415 |
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My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie D?" "Yes." "We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey." Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs." |
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| Blackjack | August 26, 2014, 6:18 pm Post #416 |
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Exercise program for those over 65 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. |
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| cricket55 | August 26, 2014, 6:26 pm Post #417 |
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What is happy hour to a Senior Citizen??? A Nap. |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 29, 2014, 9:36 am Post #418 |
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" |
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| Blackjack | August 29, 2014, 12:12 pm Post #419 |
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:lol Here's a real oldie. Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!" Edited by Blackjack, August 29, 2014, 12:13 pm.
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| M. Hawbaker | August 29, 2014, 5:44 pm Post #420 |
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:lol |
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