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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,964 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 30, 2014, 7:20 pm Post #391 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | August 1, 2014, 11:03 am Post #392 |
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From amazingjokes.com. From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breath-analyser equipment must be broken. I doubt it, said the man, tonight I'm the designated decoy. |
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| Blackjack | August 2, 2014, 7:33 am Post #393 |
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European Heighten Threat Levels The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. |
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| Blackjack | August 4, 2014, 2:30 pm Post #394 |
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It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 4, 2014, 2:58 pm Post #395 |
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:pound |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 5, 2014, 7:40 am Post #396 |
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Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "Back when he was still just a regular priest, my family went to his church, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" |
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| Blackjack | August 5, 2014, 8:11 am Post #397 |
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Bwahaha! I love that "Bubba" joke! :hysterical |
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| Blackjack | August 6, 2014, 12:53 pm Post #398 |
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A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks. "I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser." |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 6, 2014, 7:32 pm Post #399 |
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:heh |
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| Blackjack | August 7, 2014, 1:40 pm Post #400 |
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Another from amazingjokes.com HAVING BOYS NOTE: Do not attempt No.8 indoors! a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical! b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding): 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies . 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy 24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 25.) Parents will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. |
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| cricket55 | August 7, 2014, 6:51 pm Post #401 |
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AMBIGUITYS AND IDIOSYNCRASIE: 1)Atheism is a NON-PROPHET Organization. 2)If man evolved from monkeys and apes, then WHY do we still have monkey and apes. 3)If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation. 4)If a parsley farmer is sued, can you garnish his wages? 5)Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone would break in and clean them. 6)If a turtle does not have a shell, is he considered homeless or naked?? 7)If a fly had no wings, would he be called a walk?? 8)If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 9)Why do they put braille on an ATM in the driveup?? 10)One nice thing about EGOTIST is they do not talk about other people. 11)If you try to fail, but succeed, which one have you done?? 12)Can an athiest get insurance against God Acts?? |
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| M. Hawbaker | August 7, 2014, 7:40 pm Post #402 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | August 8, 2014, 10:18 am Post #403 |
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When two psychics met, one said to the other, “You are fine. How am I?” |
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| cricket55 | August 8, 2014, 7:13 pm Post #404 |
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side. The six year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, the pastor walked up and stood by Alex, speaking softly the pastor said, "Good morning Alex." Good Morning Pastor Love, replied Alex, still focused on the plaque, Alex asked, "what is that Pastor?" The pastor replied, "Well that is a plaque with all the names of men and women who died in service." Soberly, they just stood together staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked was it the 8:00 or 10:30 service." |
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| Blackjack | August 10, 2014, 4:32 pm Post #405 |
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A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." 2nd guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out." 3rd guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?" The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you." The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?" 3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on." |
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