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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,965 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | July 21, 2014, 5:48 am Post #376 |
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor! |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 21, 2014, 5:52 am Post #377 |
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A young man entered an Ice Cream Shop and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," said the girl at the counter who wheezed as she spoke and seemed unable to continue. " Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically. "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry." |
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| Blackjack | July 22, 2014, 9:51 am Post #378 |
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Here's an oldie but goodie. The Three Stooges did a variation of this about 80 years ago. Two Idiots With Hammers... Chuck and Bob, were doing some carpentery work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Chuck, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Bob, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Chuck explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Bill got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' |
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| Blackjack | July 23, 2014, 2:27 pm Post #379 |
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A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.” Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. “Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German” |
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| cricket55 | July 23, 2014, 5:36 pm Post #380 |
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:rofl |
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| cricket55 | July 23, 2014, 5:37 pm Post #381 |
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What do you call a Nun that sleep walks? A Roman Catholic. |
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| Blackjack | July 25, 2014, 6:50 am Post #382 |
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A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!” |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 25, 2014, 11:17 am Post #383 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | July 26, 2014, 11:10 am Post #384 |
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Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets." "That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!" After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers." |
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| Blackjack | July 28, 2014, 8:23 am Post #385 |
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 28, 2014, 12:42 pm Post #386 |
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:heh |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 29, 2014, 9:23 am Post #387 |
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Guy 1: Somebody said you sounded like an owl. Guy 2: Who? Edited by M. Hawbaker, July 29, 2014, 9:30 am.
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| Blackjack | July 29, 2014, 2:47 pm Post #388 |
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Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 29, 2014, 8:27 pm Post #389 |
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Mom: "Why are your things all over the floor?" Child: "Gravity". |
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| Blackjack | July 30, 2014, 12:53 pm Post #390 |
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The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." |
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6:37 PM Jul 10