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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,967 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

:pound
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cricket55
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Did you hear the joke about the pizza???













It was pretty cheesy.
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warrior-child
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cricket55
July 2, 2014, 6:54 pm
Did you hear the joke about the pizza???













It was pretty cheesy.
:groan
:wink
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Blackjack

Been kind of busy lately. Here's an update.



An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman, "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another. All the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough to drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get physically satisfied. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally, no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
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warrior-child
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:Not funny at all. (Post 349)
'Did not care for the last one at all.
(I was reading jokes aloud to DD#4and her family, just reading without pre checking them out... )

-------

Sigh after reading through lots, it is a good thing that I have decided to just proof read before sharing anymore.

Some are pretty good, while others are not ...
:-X
Edited by warrior-child, July 5, 2014, 8:27 pm.
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warrior-child
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barb43
February 23, 2014, 6:58 pm
Here are the answers:

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: None. There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly :heh

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama
[Oh, come on .... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.




(I missed #10 and #11 above. :heh )
:thumb
Everyone enjoyed these
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warrior-child
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LadySharon
March 4, 2014, 1:43 pm
M. Hawbaker
March 4, 2014, 9:59 am
If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot high window?
























Because the window is closed.
:lol ... not to say some won't try.....
:lol
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warrior-child
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cricket55
March 7, 2014, 9:36 pm
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every single day of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at the grave side service for a homeless man.

He had no friends or family, so the service was going to be at a pauper's cemetary in Nova Scotia in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, did not ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral director was gone and the hearse was no where in site. There was only the diggers and the crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly about being late and apologized to the men.

I went to the grave side and looked in, the vault lid had already been put in place. I did not know what to do so I started to play. The workers put their sandwiches down and gathered around the grave. I played my heart out for the homeless man who had no family or friends.

I played like I have never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", The workers began to weep. I wept, and wept. we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up and headed back to my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the guys say, "I have never seen anything like that before, and I have been putting septic tanks in for 20 years." Apparently, I am still lost....it's a man thing.

:hysterical
:hysterical
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warrior-child
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cricket55
March 11, 2014, 7:15 pm
How much does a pirate pay for an ear of corn???

A buccanear.
:lol
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warrior-child
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Blackjack
June 12, 2014, 5:35 pm
:pound


What do retired people do all day

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '16."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
:hysterical

I love this one!
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M. Hawbaker
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A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging her laundry outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she says. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her laundry to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder how that happened?”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
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Blackjack

warrior-child
July 5, 2014, 7:39 pm
:Not funny at all. (Post 349)
'Did not care for the last one at all.
(I was reading jokes aloud to DD#4and her family, just reading without pre checking them out... )

-------

Sigh after reading through lots, it is a good thing that I have decided to just proof read before sharing anymore.

Some are pretty good, while others are not ...
:-X
Sorry.
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Blackjack

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
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cricket55
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:heh
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M. Hawbaker
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Father: How were your test scores?
Son: Underwater.
Father: What do you mean underwater?
Son: Below "C" level.
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