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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,968 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | June 24, 2014, 7:02 am Post #331 |
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Yup, that's a groaner. Here's another. An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a. Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a bar. "I'm sorry," says the barkeep', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai. " |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 24, 2014, 8:53 am Post #332 |
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:heh |
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| warrior-child | June 24, 2014, 8:18 pm Post #333 |
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:groan :lol |
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| Blackjack | June 25, 2014, 5:45 pm Post #334 |
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." |
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| cricket55 | June 25, 2014, 5:51 pm Post #335 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | June 26, 2014, 10:44 am Post #336 |
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Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet... He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years! |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 26, 2014, 11:00 am Post #337 |
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:rofl |
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| cricket55 | June 26, 2014, 5:34 pm Post #338 |
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:floor That is a good one. |
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| Blackjack | June 28, 2014, 5:53 am Post #339 |
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite candies and M& M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot" The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong. |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 28, 2014, 9:01 am Post #340 |
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:lol |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 28, 2014, 9:02 am Post #341 |
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and Geritol?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Good, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry!" |
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| cricket55 | June 29, 2014, 4:21 pm Post #342 |
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:hysterical |
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| warrior-child | June 29, 2014, 8:24 pm Post #343 |
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:hysterical |
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| Blackjack | June 30, 2014, 4:33 pm Post #344 |
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A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back." NOW THERE IS A REAL MARINE. |
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| M. Hawbaker | July 1, 2014, 11:14 am Post #345 |
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A motorist driving by a ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. “Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.” The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now.” |
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