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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,969 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| cricket55 | June 16, 2014, 12:58 pm Post #316 |
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What do you call a cow that has had her calf??? Decaffinated. :Becky Edited by cricket55, June 16, 2014, 12:58 pm.
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| M. Hawbaker | June 16, 2014, 2:48 pm Post #317 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | June 16, 2014, 5:54 pm Post #318 |
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I know, it's lousy theology but it's still funny. A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment. "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago." |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 17, 2014, 5:48 am Post #319 |
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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow." |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 17, 2014, 5:54 am Post #320 |
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It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police car in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner in the back seat of the car started barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" the boy asked. "It sure is," the policeman replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the car. Finally the boy asked, "So… What did he do?" Edited by M. Hawbaker, June 17, 2014, 5:56 am.
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| Blackjack | June 17, 2014, 8:22 am Post #321 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | June 18, 2014, 10:19 am Post #322 |
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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." |
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| Blackjack | June 19, 2014, 4:40 pm Post #323 |
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An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."! Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" |
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| cricket55 | June 19, 2014, 6:21 pm Post #324 |
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:lol |
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| warrior-child | June 19, 2014, 7:09 pm Post #325 |
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:hysterical :thanks Edited by warrior-child, June 19, 2014, 7:09 pm.
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| M. Hawbaker | June 19, 2014, 7:37 pm Post #326 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | June 21, 2014, 10:06 am Post #327 |
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A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now." |
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| Blackjack | June 22, 2014, 7:13 am Post #328 |
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." |
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| cricket55 | June 22, 2014, 3:04 pm Post #329 |
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:laugh |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 22, 2014, 9:36 pm Post #330 |
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How is Prince Charles of England like a baseball? Charles is heir to the Throne and the baseball is thrown in the air. :bolt Edited by M. Hawbaker, June 22, 2014, 9:37 pm.
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