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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,970 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 7, 2014, 1:30 pm Post #301 |
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:spit |
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| Blackjack | June 8, 2014, 6:13 am Post #302 |
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." |
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| Blackjack | June 9, 2014, 1:04 pm Post #303 |
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Watch out! Another groaner. The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. "Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 9, 2014, 2:05 pm Post #304 |
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:faint |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 10, 2014, 8:01 am Post #305 |
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One of my crazy friends sent this to me this morning: Posted Image :bolt Edited by M. Hawbaker, June 10, 2014, 8:02 am.
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| Blackjack | June 10, 2014, 10:45 am Post #306 |
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Bwahahaha! |
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| cricket55 | June 10, 2014, 6:24 pm Post #307 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | June 11, 2014, 11:41 am Post #308 |
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A Dog's Rules for Christmas 1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans. 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers. 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: a. Don't pee on the tree b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans b. Don't eat off the buffet table c. Beg for goodies subtly d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house c. Tolerate children d. Turn on your charm big time 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!! |
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| cricket55 | June 11, 2014, 6:31 pm Post #309 |
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This is fun: Pick a number between 1-10. Multifly that number by 9. Add that 2 digit numbers together. Subtract 5 from that number. That number corresponds with a number from the alphabet. example: have number 7 = G. Think of a country that starts with that letter. Take the last letter of the country and pick an animal by that letter. Take the last letter of the animal and pick a color. Now you are done. :drum What are you going to do with orange kangaroos in Denmark??? |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 11, 2014, 7:28 pm Post #310 |
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!" "Are you sure?" asks the second atom. To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!" Edited by M. Hawbaker, June 11, 2014, 9:34 pm.
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| M. Hawbaker | June 12, 2014, 12:09 pm Post #311 |
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What do you get if you cross a high speed motorway with a wheelbarrow? You get run over. |
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| Blackjack | June 12, 2014, 5:35 pm Post #312 |
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:pound What do retired people do all day Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '16." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. |
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| Blackjack | June 14, 2014, 8:55 am Post #313 |
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At the urging of his doctor, an elderly man moved to the deepest countryside. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That’s wonderful!" said the newcomer. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here." |
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| M. Hawbaker | June 14, 2014, 11:56 am Post #314 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | June 15, 2014, 6:32 am Post #315 |
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So this duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The bar tender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bar tender. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the tavern and the bar tender says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds great", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bar tender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!". "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?". "At the circus", says the bar tender. "The circus?", the duck inquires. "That's right", replies the bar tender. "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the bar tender. The duck looks confused, "What would they want with a plasterer?" |
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