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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,971 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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cricket55
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:rofl
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M. Hawbaker
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:pound
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M. Hawbaker
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Two chickens are standing on one side of the road.

One chicken says to the other chicken 'I'm gonna cross the road'.

The other chicken says 'Don't. You'll never hear the end of it.'
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Blackjack

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.


Will Rogers
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Blackjack

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'
Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'
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M. Hawbaker
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

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cricket55
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:heh
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cricket55
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You all should be familiar with the state quarters and how they have something showing what the state is known for. PS this is not part of the joke.


The Wyoming State quarter shows a cowboy sitting on a horse. What kind of horse is it????





:Hmm













It is a quarter horse. :B:




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Blackjack

A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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M. Hawbaker
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:rofl
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Blackjack

A somewhat less than bright person goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas cards.

"May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

"What denomination?"

"Has it finally come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
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M. Hawbaker
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A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 miles away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 miles away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of miles but the cat kept on coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a several hundred miles away, until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Days later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
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Blackjack

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sheer nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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Blackjack

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
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