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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,989 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
LadySharon
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Cat Lady
On Barb's questions above...

I missed #1 because I read it fast and was just thinking " A mother..." I was thinking it would just be a out of left field answer. When I got about 1/2 way through the questions I realized they were more brain teasers then jokes....

I also missed #7, #8 and #11. I thought I dunno for #7, #8 - I was thinking it would be because we didn't use wood for fake legs anymore, and #11 - well I didn't think of him combineing them into one big one! I was thinking just moving them as they were to the field. (you know like thouse hay rolls you see.) :lol
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DMac
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:drum :clap
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Blackjack

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who
got in first.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
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M. Hawbaker
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Posted Image
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Blackjack

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that freakin' fly never knew what hit it ...
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M. Hawbaker
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:pound
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cricket55
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Blackjack
February 27, 2014, 7:20 am
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that freakin' fly never knew what hit it ...
:hysterical
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cricket55
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Why did the man pour groundbeef on his head???


:drum



Because he wanted a meatier shower. :bounce
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cricket55
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Why did the skeleton not go to the party???



Because he had no body to go with him. :heh
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Blackjack

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
OLD COOT
ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
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M. Hawbaker
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:spit
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
Blackjack
February 28, 2014, 12:18 pm
THEN, THAT UGLY,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
OLD COOT
ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
:floor

That one's priceless!
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cricket55
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barb43
February 28, 2014, 7:32 pm
Blackjack
February 28, 2014, 12:18 pm
THEN, THAT UGLY,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
OLD COOT
ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
:floor

That one's priceless!
Definetly. :hysterical
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Blackjack

F16 vs. C-130

A C-130 was lumbering along when a co cky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
Edited by Blackjack, March 1, 2014, 7:58 am.
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
If you've have me, you want to share me. If you share me, you don't have me. What am I?

It's a secret.
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