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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,973 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

Another oldie. Definitely one of my favorites.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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cricket55
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:lol
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Blackjack

Another oldie.

The doctor asks Ralph how he got the black eye.

After the last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "That's what the beer was for!" I don't remember anything after that.
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cricket55
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:lol
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cricket55
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There were three guys that had to cross a river, and were to be granted a wish before crossing the river.

One guy asked for strength so he could make it across the river. His body was all built up/bulked up muscles . He jumped in and swam across the river, took 2 hours.

The second guy asked for strength and wisdom to make it across the river. His body was built up with muscles and built a raft to get across the river. It still took about 2 hours.

The last guy asked for strength, wisdom and to be smart. The muscles were built up, grew in wisdom and was turned into a woman who then just walked across the bridge.
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Blackjack

:lol
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Blackjack

My dear one, Maria (Filipina), didn't get this one. Southerners will!

An Arkansas trooper pulled over a pickup truck.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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M. Hawbaker
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:pound
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Blackjack

When I was married 30 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 30 year old Asian doll.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find another hot 30 year Asian doll, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....
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Blackjack

One of my third-graders came to school crying.
"Jonathan's upset because he couldn't complete his math homework," his mother explained.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Unfortunately," she said, "our computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
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Blackjack

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
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M. Hawbaker
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A certain five letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it. What is the word?

























































































The word is "Short".
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cricket55
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:lol
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Blackjack

Here's a groaner.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:



POLISH REMOVER
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