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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,975 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long.
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M. Hawbaker
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my frog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your frog. It's very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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Blackjack

Proof that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 30.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

Proof that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was harassed by the authorities.

Proof that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trade.

Proof that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everybody "brother."
2. He liked gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
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Blackjack

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

Eeew!
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M. Hawbaker
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Sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center:

KEEP OFF THE GRASS
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cricket55
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The Coffee, the Fly, the Israeli and everyone else:

The Italian throws the cup, breaks the cup, and walks off in a rage.

The German washes the cup, sterilizes the cup, and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman takes the fly out of the coffee, and drinks it anyway.

The Chinese eats the fly, and throws the coffee away.

The Russian drinks the coffee with the fly in it because it was of no extra charge to him.

The Israeli sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent something that prevents flies from falling into the coffee.

What about the Paleistinian?

Well the Palestinian blames Israel for the fly falling into his coffee, takes this form of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the EU to buy another cup of coffee, uses the money to buy explosives, uses the explosives to blow up the coffee house the Italian, the Frenchman, The German, The Chinese and the Russian are trying to get the Israeli to sell his cup of tea to the Palestinian.
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M. Hawbaker
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:heh
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Blackjack

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husbandwill get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
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M. Hawbaker
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:lol
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Blackjack


If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas ;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas ;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas ;
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas ;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas ;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas ..

~Jeff Foxworthy~
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M. Hawbaker
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A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars. “Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said. “No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.” A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “sir, we are very happy to have you’re business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?” “Well, the fellow responded it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?”

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Blackjack

:pound
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Blackjack

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,"This is the dumbest kid
in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"
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Blackjack

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit.
He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.
He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to urinate on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not wait in line for anything! Sir."

(From amazingjokes.com be careful about going there if certain words or ideas easily offend you)
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Blackjack

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
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