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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,976 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 23, 2014, 10:57 am Post #211 |
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:pound |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 23, 2014, 11:15 am Post #212 |
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Herman is driving on the Interstate Highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman replies, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'' |
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| Blackjack | April 24, 2014, 4:34 am Post #213 |
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line… “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store! |
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| Blackjack | April 25, 2014, 7:01 am Post #214 |
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Advance apologies to any who are offended. A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!' She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!' The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: 'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! YOU USE MORE PAPER ON BUTT!!' |
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| Blackjack | April 26, 2014, 8:27 am Post #215 |
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Here's one that made the rounds a few years ago. Time for a rehash. Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital. Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.' 'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dumbell put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.' |
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| cricket55 | April 26, 2014, 5:30 pm Post #216 |
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:hysterical |
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| Blackjack | April 27, 2014, 7:04 am Post #217 |
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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 27, 2014, 11:23 am Post #218 |
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man grunted but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The man just grunted again. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony." |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 27, 2014, 11:24 am Post #219 |
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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago." |
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| cricket55 | April 27, 2014, 7:27 pm Post #220 |
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:pound |
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| cricket55 | April 27, 2014, 7:47 pm Post #221 |
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A cop stops a driver for speeding. She says to the man "Identify yourself." The man looked into the rearview mirror and says, "Yeah that's me." How do you break up with a tractor?? Send it a John Deere letter. Why does a chicken lay eggs? If she dropped them, they would break. |
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| cricket55 | April 27, 2014, 7:53 pm Post #222 |
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The Sunday school teacher was recounting the story of Elijah and the false prophets of Baal. He explained how Elijah built the alter, stacked wood on it, cut the steer and laid the pieces upon the alter. Then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrells with water and pour it over the alter. Now, the Sunday school teacher said, Can anyone tell me why God would have Elijah pour the water over the steer?" A student started waving her hand excitedly. "I know I know!!!" she said, "To make gravy." Edited by cricket55, April 27, 2014, 7:54 pm.
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| M. Hawbaker | April 27, 2014, 8:04 pm Post #223 |
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:lol |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 28, 2014, 10:07 am Post #224 |
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An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that." |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 28, 2014, 10:09 am Post #225 |
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A tourist was introduced to an old Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?" The Indian answered, "Eggs." The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony." Several years later the traveler's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up and said jovially, "How!" The Indian answered, "Scrambled." |
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