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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,977 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 18, 2014, 9:00 am Post #196 |
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A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention. When he lined up his subjects, he got them to look their best by shouting, "OK, everyone say, Fees!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 18, 2014, 9:03 am Post #197 |
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A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a criminal trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." |
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| cricket55 | April 18, 2014, 5:39 pm Post #198 |
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Lots of good jokes, :lol had a lot of catching up to do. |
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| Blackjack | April 19, 2014, 5:41 am Post #199 |
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” |
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| DMac | April 19, 2014, 7:00 am Post #200 |
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:doh |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 19, 2014, 7:35 am Post #201 |
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:groan |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 19, 2014, 7:37 am Post #202 |
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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?'' The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only." |
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| Blackjack | April 20, 2014, 9:04 am Post #203 |
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Three pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell each other their problem which must be kept away from other people. The first pastor said, "My problem is money, I do steal from the church offering. Please, brethren, pray for me." The second pastor said, "My problem is women, whenever I see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her. In fact, I have slept with most of my female church members. Please pray for me." The third pastor started crying. It took his friends some effort to calm him. When asked to continue he said, still crying, "My Problem is gossip. When we leave this place, everybody will hear what you two just told me." Edited by Blackjack, April 20, 2014, 9:04 am.
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| Blackjack | April 21, 2014, 12:16 pm Post #204 |
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Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh: His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh there ya Gogh! Time to Gogh.............. |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 21, 2014, 2:21 pm Post #205 |
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:heh |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 21, 2014, 7:58 pm Post #206 |
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of Squirrels. He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with squirrels in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says "OK"... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of squirrels, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies... "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 22, 2014, 7:21 am Post #207 |
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. |
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| Blackjack | April 22, 2014, 11:22 am Post #208 |
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Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." |
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| cricket55 | April 22, 2014, 6:00 pm Post #209 |
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:rofl Some good jokes guys. |
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| Blackjack | April 23, 2014, 10:48 am Post #210 |
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A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you dumbell." |
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6:37 PM Jul 10