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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,978 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| cricket55 | April 11, 2014, 6:17 pm Post #181 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | April 12, 2014, 4:54 pm Post #182 |
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic." |
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| Blackjack | April 13, 2014, 11:52 am Post #183 |
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One of my favorite jokes. There was a little old lady who was very spiritual who would step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell, "Praise the Lord" One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month or so of her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he would go outside on his porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord." Yet, the little old lady continued. One cold, wintry day, when the little old lady couldn't get to the store, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said,"Help me Lord, I have no more money, it's cold, and I have no more food." The next morning, she went outside, and there were bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week. "Praise the Lord," she yelled. The Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, "There is no Lord, ha ha ha, I bought those groceries!" The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and said, "Praise the Lord, You sent me groceries and you made the Devil pay for them!" |
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| cricket55 | April 13, 2014, 5:04 pm Post #184 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | April 14, 2014, 1:09 pm Post #185 |
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A priest is on a subway train. A man opposite lowers his newspaper to reveal himself to be a hard-living man who smells of alcohol, has lipstick on his collar and is wearing rumpled clothes in which he has clearly been out all night. With pain in his eyes, the man asks the priest: “Father, what causes dyspepsia, gout and cirrhosis?” The priest replies: “My son, they are caused by a wild lifestyle, gluttony, alcohol abuse, and the company of wicked women.” The man says: “Amazing.” The priest says: “Would you like to be free of these ailments?” The man replies: “I don’t have them. The newspaper says the Pope has.” |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 15, 2014, 6:54 am Post #186 |
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. |
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| Blackjack | April 15, 2014, 11:28 am Post #187 |
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This one is funny but packs a punch. A man was beaten up by robbers on the road. He lay on the side of the road, half dead. A humanist came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. A Samaritan came by and also crossed to the other side. Finally, a modern Christian came along, looked at the man and said: "Whoever did this to you needs help.” |
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| Blackjack | April 16, 2014, 10:26 am Post #188 |
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A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 16, 2014, 10:51 am Post #189 |
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:faint |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 17, 2014, 12:14 pm Post #190 |
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A little old lady gets on a flight to Europe. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her. A stewardess approaches her and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage." The lady agrees. What else can she do? During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies the airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know. When the plane lands and the lady goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", she exclaims. "Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings." "This is not my dog", she insists. "How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain. "My dog is dead!" Edited by M. Hawbaker, April 17, 2014, 12:15 pm.
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| Blackjack | April 17, 2014, 1:34 pm Post #191 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | April 17, 2014, 1:40 pm Post #192 |
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In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby. "Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 17, 2014, 7:25 pm Post #193 |
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:spit |
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| barb43 | April 17, 2014, 8:07 pm Post #194 |
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
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These are great! :floor |
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| Blackjack | April 18, 2014, 6:42 am Post #195 |
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" |
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