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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,866 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

What happens when you play a country song in reverse?

You get your wife, truck, and dog back.
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Blackjack

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree.

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
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cricket55
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That made me snort. :groan
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Blackjack

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."
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Blackjack

Ever since I installed AdBlock on my browser....

All the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest
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Blackjack

Why did the cardiologist give Lisinopril to someone that kept beating him at poker?

Because Lisinopril is an ace inhibitor.
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Blackjack

I usually avoid posting Blonde jokes as too insulting but I like this one.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."


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cricket55
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That is a good one.
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Blackjack

Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.


Just 5 minutes more.
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Blackjack

Groaner of the week.


What do you call a gun with three barrels?

A trifle.
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Blackjack

In what state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down?

Massachusetts
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Blackjack

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably win a Bronze.
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Blackjack

A guy walks into a bar....

And the bar is completely empty. He thinks about leaving and decides to have a drink. He approaches the bar.

“Beer please.”

He takes his drink and sits down.

5 minuets later he gets a tap on the shoulder.

“Hey pal, that’s my seat”

He looks around. He’s the only other person here apart from the tapper.

“Look, there’s no one here, plenty of seats, so beat it.”

The other guy responded. “I’ve been coming here for ten years, and empty or otherwise, that’s my seat.”

“Oh yeah?” Says the man “well I’ve been here ten minutes, and as I said, there’s plenty of other seats, so I’m not moving”.

“So you’re not moving” says the tapper.

“No” says the man.

“Well then” says the tapper “ I hope you know how to play the piano.”
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Blackjack

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Brazil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.

Interviewer: By how much?

Pelè: 1:0

Interviewer: That's it?

Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...
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Blackjack

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge!
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