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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,868 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend...

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
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Blackjack

Your groaner of the month.

A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Wow, in all my time bartending I've never had a weasel come in. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.
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cricket55
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:lol
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M. Hawbaker
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:groan










































:rofl
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Blackjack

I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day.

I'm tired of being fat every day.
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Blackjack

If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on… I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
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Blackjack

The commanding officer at a Russian military academy gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”

The general replied, “All indications point to China.”

Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”

The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment. In modern warfare, it is not the number of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, there have been a few recent wars where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”

After a small pause, an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews?”
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Blackjack

If you think nobody cares if you're alive try missing a couple of payments.
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Blackjack

One for the kids.

What has 4 fingers and a thumb but is not your hand?

My hand.
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Blackjack

My wife asked how she looks this morning.

I said, "Drop dead gorgeous!"

She replied, "I hope you die too! Handsome!"
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Blackjack

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman 5,000 dollars to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got a complete makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second girl went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, “I bought these for you because I love you so much.”

The third woman took the 5,000 dollars and invested it into the stock market, doubled her investment, returned 5,000 dollars to the man, and re-invested the rest. She said, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and when he was done thinking, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
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Blackjack

Roseanne's new show...

Lowering the Barr.
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Blackjack

If you kill someone with body spray does that make you an Axe murderer?
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Blackjack

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and says, "Ladies, is anything ok?"
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Blackjack

A six-year-old girl runs into her backyard and sees her neighbor raking leaves. She runs to him and says proudly “My mommy taught me all about politics today!”

“That’s great! So are you a Republican or a Democrat?” he asks.

“A demmycrat!”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, demmycrats believe in helping the poor. So they take some money from everyone and give it to people that don’t have any money for food and clothes and toys and stuff.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yep! So when I grow up, I’m going to get a job, pay my taxes, and the money will help poor people, like that man who stands outside the grocery store with the big beard and dirty coat and coin cup!”

“Why wait until then? Take my rake and finish up with all these leaves. Then I’ll give you ten dollars, and you can take some of it and find the guy with the big beard and the dirty coat, and put the money in his coin cup.”

The little girl’s eyes light up and she grabs the rake excitedly. But then she pauses.

“Wait. Why doesn’t he rake the leaves, then you can just give HIM the money?”

The man takes the rake back.

“Congratulations, now you’re a Republican.”
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