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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,869 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

There was a king who had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this? Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!" So the king agreed

In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 day.

The guard was baffled but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

When the 10 days were up the king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment.

But when he was thrown in everyone was amazed at what they saw. They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

So the king, baffled at what he saw, said,” What happened to the dogs? !!!”

The minister then said;” I served the dogs for 10 days and they remembered my service. Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!"

So the king realized his mistake and got crocodiles instead.
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Blackjack

An engineer and a gender-studies grad walk into a McDonald's.

The gender-studies grad turns to engineer and says, "Just wait for me to clock in, and I'll take your order."
Edited by Blackjack, May 6, 2018, 9:19 am.
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Blackjack

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door.

She opened it and found a breathless cop. "What's the matter?!" she asked.
"Where's the body?!" demanded the officer.
"What are you talking about?"
"We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being butchered to pieces in this house."
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Blackjack

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
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Blackjack

A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
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Blackjack

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and Alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying of old age, stop vaccinating today.
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Blackjack

Did you know that if you play Despacito backward you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Despacito.
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Blackjack

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
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cricket55
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Blackjack
May 12, 2018, 5:38 am
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
:groan
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Blackjack

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
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Blackjack

Stalin wakes up one morning and steps onto his balcony. He sees the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" says Stalin.

"Good morning, Comrade Stalin," replies the sun.

Later in the afternoon, as Stalin steps outside, he says,

"Good afternoon, Comrade Sun."

"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin," the sun replies.

At sunset, Stalin steps out onto his balcony for a smoke,

"Good night, Comrade Sun," says Stalin. No response. "I said good night, Comrade Sun." Again, no response.

"Good night, Comrade Sun" repeats Stalin.

"Buzz off, I'm in the West now" says the sun.
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Blackjack

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him: "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"

The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king!".

His life was spared.
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Blackjack

A bad workman blames his fools...



EDIT: tools

...stupid keyboard...
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Blackjack

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
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Blackjack

I asked my friend, "What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?"

He replied, "I don't know and I don't care."
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