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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,870 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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cricket55
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Funny.
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Blackjack

Wife to husband, "My mother says I should never have married you. She says you’re effeminate."

Husband, "Compared to her everyone is."
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Blackjack

What do we want? A thesaurus!

When do we want it?

Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.
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Blackjack

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The elevator reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator she breaks wind. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.
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warrior-child
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:lol
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Blackjack

Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people.
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Blackjack

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: :freaked

BONUS JOKE
With self-driving cars it won’t be long before we have country songs where your truck leaves you too.

Edited by Blackjack, April 27, 2018, 7:47 am.
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Blackjack

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

He arrives at the Vatican and there is a long line of about 100 people to meet the pope.

The man makes sure that he dresses extremely nice so he’s wearing a professionally tailored suit complete with tie and freshly polished shoes.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people in the line one by one.

The first person comes forward and receives a blessing and so does the second, third and the fourth person. But then the fifth person steps forward and he isn’t dressed like everyone else. He’s homeless and wears a tattered trench coat and his hair is messy. Instead, the pope gives this man a hug. The homeless man exits the line and the next few people step up and they all receive a blessing.

The man sees this and decides that he doesn’t just want a blessing, he wants a hug too. So he leaves the line and finds the homeless man and he says “I’ll pay you $1000 for that jacket.” The homeless man happily takes the money and gives the man the jacket. The man puts it on, messes up his hair and rejoins the line.

The line moves slowly but eventually the man makes it to the front of the line. The pope opens his arms, hugs the man and whispers in his ear, “I thought I told you to get outta here.”
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cricket55
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Blackjack
April 25, 2018, 10:08 am
A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The elevator reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator she breaks wind. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.
:lol
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Blackjack

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
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Blackjack

I’ve just received a phone call saying I’ve won $250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...

...it said press 1 for the money, 2 for the show
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Blackjack

When do you stop at green and go at red?

When you’re eating watermelon.
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Blackjack

Children are like flatulence.

Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else's are horrendous.
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Blackjack

This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride. The woman thanked her and got in the car.

After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.

The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."
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Blackjack

If Liverpool wins the Champions League, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

A British prince gets married

Liverpool wins the Champions League

The Pope dies

2005:

A British prince gets married

Liverpool wins the Champions League

The Pope dies

2018:

A British prince gets married

Liverpool is in the Champions League's final

Warn the Pope!

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