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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,979 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 6, 2014, 5:50 am Post #166 |
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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too. |
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| Blackjack | April 6, 2014, 7:03 am Post #167 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | April 6, 2014, 7:17 am Post #168 |
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A Baptist preacher went to see a member of the community and invited him to come to Church on Sunday morning. The man was a producer of fine peach brandy and told the preacher he would love to attend his Church IF the Pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of the congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up. Sunday morning came and the man came to Church. The preacher recognized him from the pulpit and said: "I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given." |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 6, 2014, 10:37 am Post #169 |
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:heh |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 6, 2014, 11:22 am Post #170 |
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A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?" The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 15, not 55." The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!" The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible." The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 201." Edited by M. Hawbaker, April 6, 2014, 11:23 am.
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| cricket55 | April 6, 2014, 5:19 pm Post #171 |
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Awesome jokes. :) |
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| Blackjack | April 7, 2014, 10:39 am Post #172 |
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Greatest Typo Ever. A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, and not from the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, the old monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong. "The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk. |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 8, 2014, 9:38 am Post #173 |
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Once upon a time, there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. |
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| Blackjack | April 8, 2014, 11:45 am Post #174 |
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Bwahaha! An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later, the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up." "Okay," he said. "...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries, too," she added. "You'd better write all this down." "I won't forget!" he said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget." "What did I forget?" he asked. She replied, "My toast!" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 8, 2014, 11:56 am Post #175 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | April 9, 2014, 7:38 am Post #176 |
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Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? A. It's Christmas, Eve! |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 9, 2014, 7:59 am Post #177 |
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A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replied, "I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it." |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 11, 2014, 10:29 am Post #178 |
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Santa says to Mrs. Claus: "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claus answers: "Look's like rain, dear". Posted Image :bolt |
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| Blackjack | April 11, 2014, 11:20 am Post #179 |
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It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin." "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?" |
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| M. Hawbaker | April 11, 2014, 12:18 pm Post #180 |
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:heh |
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6:37 PM Jul 10