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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,873 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | March 9, 2018, 11:30 am Post #1756 |
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I like being a pessimist. I'm either right, or pleasantly surprised. |
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| Blackjack | March 10, 2018, 2:36 am Post #1757 |
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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me why I have no money in there. |
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| Blackjack | March 10, 2018, 11:36 am Post #1758 |
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A Scotsman and his wife were walking past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's absolutely incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot he thought, "what the heck, I'll treat her!" So they walked past it again. |
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| Blackjack | March 11, 2018, 8:01 am Post #1759 |
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. She's at the gate... and she's off |
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| Blackjack | March 12, 2018, 6:36 am Post #1760 |
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Men call short women petite. What do women call short men? Friends. |
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| Blackjack | March 12, 2018, 3:00 pm Post #1761 |
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Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza? No sir, it's Google's Pizza. Did I dial the wrong number? No sir, Google bought the pizza store. Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please. Okay sir, do you want the usual? The usual? You know what my usual is? According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust. Okay - that’s what I want this time too. May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead? No, I hate vegetables. But your cholesterol is not good. How do you know? Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol. But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets. I bought more from another drugstore. It's not showing on your credit card sir. I paid in cash. But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash. I have another source of cash. This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source. ENOUGH!! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ... I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your PASSPORT ... it expired 5 weeks ago. |
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| Blackjack | March 13, 2018, 11:47 am Post #1762 |
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it." |
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| Blackjack | March 14, 2018, 8:10 am Post #1763 |
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There was a nerd who understood every joke. No matter how cryptic or vague the joke was, he always figured out the punchline. Soon, people started to make bets with him, trying him out. However, every time was the same, he would win the bet. His popularity rose up and soon people would crowd around him as he took more and more bets, cheering for him. The word of his popularity reached his dad too. Afraid that his son is becoming too proud, he decided to end it for once and for all. He also made a bet and told a joke, "Love and Sex". The nerd was completely stumped. For the first time, he couldn't figure out a joke. After thinking for minutes, he gave up and said, "I don't get it". "Exactly", his father said as the crowd around him burst into laughter. |
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| Blackjack | March 15, 2018, 4:14 am Post #1764 |
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The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big German forest. For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins. First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. "We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple." Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times. "We used satellite surveillance to acquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicuous vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects. Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits." |
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| Blackjack | March 16, 2018, 9:04 am Post #1765 |
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Contemporary joke from Russia. The phone rings at 10 Downing Street. Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May. I'm afraid she's currently sleeping. Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her. Will do. Thank you. hangs up Wait. What do you mean "if"? |
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| M. Hawbaker | March 17, 2018, 9:20 am Post #1766 |
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James said to his friend Daniel, "I know a girl who married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day." Daniel said, "Oh really?" James said, "No, O'Reilly." |
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| Blackjack | March 17, 2018, 3:31 pm Post #1767 |
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A scrawny, skinny lumberjack asks a local lumber company if they're hiring. "Sure, but we ain't taking you. You're a skinny little guy and this is work for a big man." Outraged, the skinny lumberjack rips the hatchet right off the bigger lumberjack's belt, walks over to a redwood tree, and knocks it down with one swing. "Ok, then, you're hired. Just tell me this: where on earth did you learn a skill like that?" "The Sahara forest" the scrawny lumberjack replies. "You mean Sahara desert?" "Sure, if that's what they call it now." |
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| Blackjack | March 18, 2018, 7:48 am Post #1768 |
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Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest, he hated the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this. Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he took Father Patrick aside after the service. "Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable. If you ever presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain again, I will have to suspend your pastoral faculties and we will address this incivility with all other appropriate measures." "My Lord, forgive me, 'twill not happen again." All was well at Mass the next day, and the following day, Father Patrick was celebrating Holy Thursday Mass, and recounting the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple. "And Matthew asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?'" "No, Matthew, it's not you." "And Peter asked, 'LORD, IS IT ME?'" "No, Peter, it's not you." "And Judas asked, 'GOR BLIMEY, GUV'NOR, IS IT ME?" |
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| Blackjack | March 20, 2018, 6:45 am Post #1769 |
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I'm a stand up comedian and magician... One joke and the audience disappears! |
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| Blackjack | March 21, 2018, 8:29 am Post #1770 |
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What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? The etymologist knows the difference. |
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