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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,874 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | February 24, 2018, 7:45 am Post #1741 |
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I got pulled over for speeding in a Chevette. The cop didn't want to give me a ticket; he just wanted to know how I did it. |
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| Blackjack | February 25, 2018, 9:28 am Post #1742 |
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My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me. |
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| warrior-child | February 25, 2018, 8:46 pm Post #1743 |
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:spit True that! |
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| Blackjack | February 26, 2018, 6:05 am Post #1744 |
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George Carlin once said that it was his job, as a comedian, to remind you of things that you already know are funny but forgot to laugh at the first time. In that vein... You know that hashtag metoo business (#metoo). I don't think younger folks realize that "#" was always the "pound" sign. Ergo, it means pound metoo to us old folks. Somebody didn't think this through. (Just saying with no intention to make light of the seriousness of their complaints) Edited by Blackjack, February 26, 2018, 6:06 am.
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| Blackjack | February 27, 2018, 12:35 pm Post #1745 |
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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach. Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to educate the two others of the USA's military superiority. "Folks, I can tell you, our Submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can stay submerged from the moment they leave Port, to the day they enter it again 6 Months later. You haven't ever seen such great Submarines in your entire life, folks." Putin, not looking really impressed, answers: "That's great, Donald. But my new Nuclear Submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to cruise around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?" The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German Submarines stay submerged, Mrs Merkel?" Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creeks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more Diesel." |
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| cricket55 | February 27, 2018, 6:35 pm Post #1746 |
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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman??? snowballs. |
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| Blackjack | February 28, 2018, 4:36 pm Post #1747 |
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With great reflexes comes great response ability. |
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| Blackjack | March 1, 2018, 6:28 am Post #1748 |
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Two polar bears are walking around in the arctic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad I've got a question, are you sure I am 100% polar bear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son you are 100% polar bear" "OK" the son says They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear" "OK" the son says Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polar bear? Are you sure there is no black bear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son you are 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don't know about you but I am freezing" Edited by Blackjack, March 1, 2018, 6:30 am.
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| Blackjack | March 2, 2018, 8:29 am Post #1749 |
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A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting." I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer." |
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| Blackjack | March 3, 2018, 7:38 pm Post #1750 |
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While planning a potluck at work, one of my coworkers asked if we had any vegans on the team. I told her probably not. They would have let us know several times by now. |
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| Blackjack | March 4, 2018, 7:05 am Post #1751 |
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A soldier on sentry duty fell asleep while standing up and woke to find his commanding officer standing in front of him, looking furious. With great presence of mind, the soldier said, "amen" |
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| Blackjack | March 5, 2018, 8:03 am Post #1752 |
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A waiter goes up to a table of four Jewish women out for lunch and asks... Ladies, is anything alright? |
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| Blackjack | March 6, 2018, 11:03 am Post #1753 |
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A man goes to get a haircut. As the barber is cutting his hair they start to chat a bit. The man says “It’s our anniversary soon. We’re planning a trip to Rome as we've always wanted to go to Italy and really experience some authentic Italian food!” “Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber. “The whole city is just full of McDonald’s on every corner and there’s nowhere to get authentic Italian food there any more!” “Oh…” says the man. “Well, me and the wife are also big fans of architecture. We’d love to see the old ruins and remains of ancient Rome and really soak in some of those fantastic sights!” “Ahh, don’t bother” replies the barber. “They’re tearing all those building down now and it’s just a bunch of ugly steel buildings and nothing special any more.” “I see…” says the man. “Well, at least we can go to the Vatican and see the Pope! We’re both very religious and are extremely excited to see him!” “Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber yet again. “It’s usually so crowded that you’ll be lucky if you can just see the tip of his hat! The whole thing sounds like a waste of time to me.” Despite the barber’s crude warnings, the man takes his wife and they both go to Rome. A few weeks later, the man goes back to the barber’s to get another haircut and, once again, they start chatting. The man tells the barber that he has just gotten back from his trip to Rome with his wife. “Oh, and how was the food there?” Asks the barber. “It was great! There were giants platters full of all sorts of pastas everywhere! We had authentic gelato after every meal, some of the best espresso I've ever had and more delicious food in that week then I've ever had in my life!” “That sounds nice” says the barber. “What about the buildings?” “They were stunning! We barely had time to see half of the amazing sights that Rome had to offer. We saw the Colosseum, walked all around the beautiful Villa Borghese, visited the Capucin Crypts, and we visited all the famous Piazzas we could!” “I see!” replies the barber. “And the Pope?” “Well, we went to the Vatican and there was a huge sea of people. From the Pope’s balcony, we could just about see the tip of his hat. Suddenly, he raised his rod and pointed it right at me and my wife, and the crowd parted in two and made a pathway. He looked right at me and shouted ‘YOU!’ and started to make his way towards me. He then slowly walked right up to my face and said ‘…who gave you that awful haircut?’” |
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| Blackjack | March 7, 2018, 10:50 am Post #1754 |
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A wife cooked her husband a pasta dish and posted the pic on facebook. Later at the dining table... Husband: “Sweetheart, I think it needs a bit more salt." Wife : “What the...! This pasta got 453 Likes and also 138 people commented 'Yummy'. But there's no pleasing you is there?" |
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| Blackjack | March 8, 2018, 6:31 am Post #1755 |
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After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study. It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title “TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE”. When we opened it, all it contained was grandma’s phone number. |
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