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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,875 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| M. Hawbaker | February 8, 2018, 7:22 am Post #1726 |
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Example of irony: The International Flat Earth Society has members from all around the globe. |
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| Blackjack | February 8, 2018, 9:10 am Post #1727 |
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Son, I know my jokes don’t make sense to you. But they will someday when you are a groan man. |
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| Blackjack | February 9, 2018, 7:57 am Post #1728 |
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Workers from different trades were asked, "What is the number one rule in your profession?" Here were some responses... Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.” Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.” Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.” |
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| Blackjack | February 10, 2018, 6:31 am Post #1729 |
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3 Canadian guys - One Newfie, One Quebecois, and one from Ontario are working together on a construction site. While digging they discover an old oil lamp, which, when picked up immediately belches forth a smoky, strange looking individual they know must be a genie. "Thank you for freeing me, I will grant each of you one wish!" proclaims the genie. The Newfie steps forward "Ok then bhai, if ya could put infinite cod back in the ocean and send me back to me granddaddy's boat to work that'd be just bloody marvelous me lad". Poof. "Done." said the genie. Next the Quebecois dude steps up, "Alright den, I want a giant wall around my entire province, to keep us separated from all rest of the Canada tabarnac! Poof. "Fini." replied the genie. The guy from Ontario steps up, with his head ****ed thoughtfully. "That wall you just made...it water proof by chance?" "Yah Bud" says the genie smugly. Ontario guy smiles and nods a couple of times. "Fill her up!" |
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| Blackjack | February 11, 2018, 8:18 am Post #1730 |
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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test." |
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| Blackjack | February 12, 2018, 10:31 am Post #1731 |
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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip. Every now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable. After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?” The rabbi replied: “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?” |
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| Blackjack | February 14, 2018, 8:54 am Post #1732 |
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Two Catholics were discussing Judaism when one of them said, "Today I learned that Judaism emphasizes that sex within marraige is a deeply holy act to be performed regularly, and insists that it be pleasurable for both members of a married couple." The other responded, "Today I learned that my wife isn't Jewish." Edited by Blackjack, February 14, 2018, 9:20 am.
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| Blackjack | February 15, 2018, 8:46 am Post #1733 |
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Twofer day! My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!" I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then." Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other. They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag. “I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said. “Aye comrade I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of delaying the revolution. “ the second commiserated. “Well I was on time to work and I was still sent here.” The third said. “Why?” They ask. “I was accused of owning a western watch!” |
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| Blackjack | February 16, 2018, 9:59 am Post #1734 |
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A girl was yelling in Church, "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!" The priest inquired, "Why do you pray so, my child?" Girl: "That's what I wrote on the answer sheet of the test!" |
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| Blackjack | February 17, 2018, 8:23 am Post #1735 |
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What do you call a weak ape? A Chimpansy. |
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| Blackjack | February 19, 2018, 11:24 am Post #1736 |
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My hometown is so tough that, when I used Google Earth so show my girlfriend where I used to live, we got mugged. |
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| Blackjack | February 20, 2018, 3:20 pm Post #1737 |
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People in Dubai don't like "The Flintstones" But people in Abu Dhabi Do |
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| Blackjack | February 21, 2018, 7:50 am Post #1738 |
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18 year olds in America are allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country but God FORBID they try to rent a car. |
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| Blackjack | February 22, 2018, 8:13 am Post #1739 |
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How to find out if you're old or not: Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old. |
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| Blackjack | February 23, 2018, 6:33 pm Post #1740 |
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Two schoolboys are talking to each other. One of them says that after school ends, he'll have to go shopping with his parents, because they need to buy some things. The other boy says: "And I don't, because now we have everything we need". The first one asks him: "How do you know"? He answers: "Because yesterday Dad came home in a Corvette convertible, and Mom said "For crying out loud, Chris, that's the last thing we needed!" |
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6:36 PM Jul 10