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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,876 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | January 27, 2018, 8:26 am Post #1711 |
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How do you know you got everything on your trip to Home Depot? Easy, you're on your third trip to Home Depot. |
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| Blackjack | January 28, 2018, 8:44 am Post #1712 |
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me... "If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married." |
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| Blackjack | January 29, 2018, 9:45 am Post #1713 |
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I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician." |
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| Blackjack | January 30, 2018, 6:13 am Post #1714 |
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A farmer goes to collect his chickens’ eggs. As he reaches for them, the chickens suddenly all whip out tiny guns. “Whoa, whoa. How did you hide all those guns in this henhouse?” The head chicken responds, “We’ve had enough of your theft, farmer. This is a coup.” |
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| Blackjack | January 31, 2018, 10:29 am Post #1715 |
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My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months. They decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?” |
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| Blackjack | February 1, 2018, 7:39 am Post #1716 |
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A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that". |
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| Blackjack | February 2, 2018, 8:30 am Post #1717 |
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Did you know that if you drink the fluid in a Magic 8 Ball, you can see the future? My friend Todd tried it. He said he was going to die, and then he did. |
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| Blackjack | February 3, 2018, 10:08 am Post #1718 |
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What's the best part of naming your child? That you don’t have to add six numbers to the end to make sure the name is available. |
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| M. Hawbaker | February 3, 2018, 11:09 am Post #1719 |
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:lol That is funny, but given some of the odd names and odd spellings of names that have become common in recent years, including numbers or even symbols would not surprise me. |
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| Blackjack | February 4, 2018, 8:31 am Post #1720 |
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One for the kids. What type of key opens a banana? A monkey! |
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| Blackjack | February 5, 2018, 11:12 am Post #1721 |
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An Israeli visitor to New York hails a cab to see the sights. He engages the driver in idle chit-chat and finally asks, "Where are you from?" The driver answers cheerfully, "I'm from Palestine. Where are you from?" "Narnia." "Come on," says the cabbie, "There's no such place." "Well, you started it," answers the Israeli. |
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| cricket55 | February 5, 2018, 11:29 am Post #1722 |
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What is the IRS's favorite flower? The yellow rose of Texas. |
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| Blackjack | February 6, 2018, 9:10 am Post #1723 |
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. |
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| Blackjack | February 6, 2018, 6:21 pm Post #1724 |
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It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub just to ask me what time it is. |
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| Blackjack | February 7, 2018, 7:25 am Post #1725 |
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The first Jewish president calls up his mother and invites her over for Passover. Characteristically, his mother immediately begins complaining. "Oiy, I'll need to book a flight and it's going to cost so much - it is just too much of a bother." Her son counters, "Mom! I'm the President! I'll hire a private jet for you! "Oiy, I'll need to catch a taxi and carry my luggage. It's just too much!" "Mom! I'm the President! I'll pick you up in my limo! Then my guards will carry your luggage for you!" "Oiy, I'll need to book a hotel." "Mom! Don't be ridiculous! I'm the President! You can stay at the White House!" "Okay, fine," she finally acquiesces. Two minutes later her friend Sophie, calls. "So, Miriam, what's new?" "Oiy, I'm going to my son for Pesach." "Who, the doctor?" "No, the other one." |
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