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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,877 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
Blackjack

"Son, do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?"

"No dad," I say rolling my eyes.

"Mentos."
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Blackjack

Nine out of ten doctors recommend that children drink water rather than soda.

That one doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
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cricket55
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Never befriend a person on face book who works for hormmel.

It may be spam.

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Blackjack

Google is useless

I tried looking up "lighters" and all they had was 69,000,000 matches.
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Blackjack

It was during a heat wave in August one summer when I saw this sign on a telephone pole. “Garage sale this Sunday 7AM until 100 degrees.”
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Blackjack

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, like Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But, there isn't a single language in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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Blackjack

One I heard over 50 years ago.


In a chemistry class, the teacher asks...

"Mary, what is H2SO4?"

Mary says, "Let me think for a second. It's right on the tip of my tongue."

Quickly, Johnny says, "Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!"

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Blackjack

A Texan shows A New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.

"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."

"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"
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Blackjack

Sex joke. Not dirty but if sex jokes offend you move along without scrolling down. You have been warned.























The husband leans over and asks his wife, ""Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Blackjack

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
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Blackjack

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

They can clean your clothes and the gene pool with the same product.
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Blackjack

With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.
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Blackjack

Why are people eating laundry soap instead of injecting it?

Seems to me that would be a bit Tidier
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Blackjack

Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great...

But on a scale from awful to great Texas is below OK.
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Blackjack

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
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