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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,878 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | December 27, 2017, 8:04 am Post #1681 |
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Why can't a bank keep a secret? Because there are too many tellers. |
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| Blackjack | December 28, 2017, 6:36 am Post #1682 |
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A man goes to his 70th class reunion. He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled, asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to." |
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| Blackjack | December 29, 2017, 4:54 pm Post #1683 |
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With great reflexes come great response ability. |
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| Blackjack | December 30, 2017, 5:25 pm Post #1684 |
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One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died. The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?” The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a b***h.” The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.” |
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| Blackjack | December 31, 2017, 8:00 am Post #1685 |
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I used to date a hoarder who broke up with me. That stings. I was the one thing she could get rid of. |
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| Blackjack | January 1, 2018, 8:09 am Post #1686 |
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Aaron Rogers, Eli Manning and Dak Prescott walk into a bar... ...to watch the playoffs. (Better luck next year, fellows.) |
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| Blackjack | January 2, 2018, 6:57 pm Post #1687 |
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You call the day before a holiday "eve" ; what do you call the day after a holiday? In sick. |
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| Blackjack | January 3, 2018, 7:57 am Post #1688 |
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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I got you a job. It's a one-liner." "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night." The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the heck are you?" "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor. "You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!" So, the actor runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says. "You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!" So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies. "Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!" So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts... "What the heck was THAT?!" |
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| Blackjack | January 4, 2018, 8:12 am Post #1689 |
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Whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard. That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her. |
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| Blackjack | January 5, 2018, 8:33 am Post #1690 |
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Finally! A religious joke that isn't offensive. A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door. Jew: "Can I help you?" Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!" Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..." Witness: "No way?!" Jew: "Yahweh." |
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| M. Hawbaker | January 5, 2018, 8:41 am Post #1691 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | January 6, 2018, 7:45 am Post #1692 |
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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30! Forget that! I can get one cheaper off the web. |
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| Blackjack | January 7, 2018, 7:47 am Post #1693 |
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What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this horse hockey ..." Edited by Blackjack, January 7, 2018, 7:47 am.
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| Blackjack | January 8, 2018, 10:00 am Post #1694 |
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A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.” When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. "How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” “Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!” |
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| Blackjack | January 10, 2018, 3:41 am Post #1695 |
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Sorry about the language. Y'all just have to overlook it for once. Too funny not to share. Mrs. Jacobson, a prim and proper, straightlaced lady, is a teacher of Grade Four students. One of the lessons is about the types of different jobs adults have...sort of a "what do you want to be when you grow up" type of lesson. Part of it was asking the students what their parents do for a living. "Sally, what does you father do?" Sally proudly answers, "My Daddy is a Real Estate agent, and he helps people sell the house they own now, and buy a better house." "Very good, Sally," replies Mrs Jacobson. "Jimmy, how about you? What does your father do?" Jimmy smiles and says, "He works in a laboratory in a hospital and helps the doctors find out exactly how people are sick, so the doctors can help them get better." Johnny has been sitting at his desk, shoulders slumped and staring down. He's asked, but mumbles something incoherent. "I'm sorry, Johnny, I didn't hear you. Could you speak up?" Johnny blurts out, "I said 'My Daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!'" Mrs. Jacobson turns white as a sheet, and the whole class goes silent. She marches up to Johnny's desk, rips a piece of paper from his notebook, and scribbles a few lines. Folding it, she hands it to Johnny, and firmly commands, "Young man, you take this note down to the Principal's Office right this minute. Go straight there, and you tell him that I sent you." She walks briskly to the door and opens it, glaring at Johnny as he meekly walks past her into the hallway. He enters the Office, and one of the secretaries asks why he's at the office. "Mrs. Jacobson sent me," and hands over the note. The secretary reads it, gasps, and takes it into the Principal's office. She comes back and says, "The Principal wishes to see you in his office, right now." Johnny walks into the office, and the Principal tells him to close the door, and take a seat. There is an awkward few moments of silence, as the Principal looks at Johnny, then at the note, then back at Johnny. The principal asks, "Johnny, your father doesn't really play piano in a whorehouse, does he?" "No, Sir." Johnny admits. "He plays defense for the Cleveland Browns, but there's no way I'm telling them THAT." |
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