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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,880 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | November 30, 2017, 12:15 pm Post #1651 |
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I couldn’t help laughing when one of my identical twin granddaughters tried insulting the other one, “Well your ugly!” |
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| Blackjack | December 1, 2017, 7:23 am Post #1652 |
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It's the 1950s, and four Russians come to Moscow after a long trip... They check in a hotel; Ivan is trying to sleep, while his three friends start drinking and talking. Ivan asks them to stop several times, but they just ignore him. Soon, they get really drunk and start telling political jokes; they laugh so noisily after each one that Ivan, really angry now, sneaks out to the lobby and tells the concierge: "Listen, send four hot teas to our room, but do it in exactly three minutes from now." He returns to the room and tells his drunk friends: "Guys, stop with those jokes. You know the KGB is always listening everywhere. Someone will hear you and we'll all get in trouble." "Yeah, right!" they shout. "The KGB, listening to us in the hotel! Grow up, Ivan, stop talking crap!" "I'll bet I'm right," Ivan says. "Here, I'll show you!" He walks over to the mirror on the wall and shouts: "Comrade lieutenant! Could we have four hot teas, please?" The three drunks just laugh at him, but a minute later, there's a knock on the door, and the hotel service brings in four teas. The drunks get pale and immediately shut up and go to bed. Ivan sleeps happily; in the morning, he wakes up and sees that the room is empty. Puzzled, he goes down. "Excuse me, have my friends left without me?" he asks. The concierge coughs uneasily. "You could say that," he says. "The KGB came in and took them at 5 AM or so." Ivan stares at him with wide eyes. All he can think of saying is: "But, but... why didn't they take me?" "Well," the concierge says, "their lieutenant said that he really liked your little tea joke." |
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| Blackjack | December 2, 2017, 8:47 am Post #1653 |
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A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly." |
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| Blackjack | December 4, 2017, 12:26 pm Post #1654 |
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How do you tickle a rich girl? Gucci, Gucci, Gucci! |
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| Blackjack | December 5, 2017, 12:03 pm Post #1655 |
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class? An algae bra. |
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| Blackjack | December 6, 2017, 9:06 am Post #1656 |
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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You dirty liar!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that stinking liar for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?" Edited by Blackjack, December 6, 2017, 9:08 am.
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| Blackjack | December 7, 2017, 8:02 am Post #1657 |
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Four rabbis are discussing a passage in the Tanakh and are furiously debating it's meaning. The first rabbi, who we'll call Jacob, insists it means this, but the other three refuse to believe it and insist it means that. Jacob, feeling disheartened, goes to the top of the tallest mountain and calls on God. "O', Lord, if I am correct, send me a sign!" Soon, a great storm cloud erupts above the mountain, blasts a bit of thunder, and then it goes away. The other three rabbis shrug. "Eh, probably nothing." The next day, Jacob, feeling even more disheartened, calls on God again. "O', Lord, if I am correct, send me an even bigger sign!" Soon, an even greater storm cloud appears, dwarfing the previous one, covering the entire land in shadow. It fires off some thunder before disappearing back into the ether. The other three rabbis are still not impressed. "God's not on your side, Jacob." On the third day, Jacob, who at this point has thoroughly lost his patience, returns to the mountain for a third time and yells out to God. "O', Lord, if I am correct-" He's interrupted by a massive cloud, ten times as large as the last one. Instead of thunder, this time a great booming voice calls out. "HE'S RIGHT!" Then the cloud disappears. Jacob turns to the other rabbis and says "See! Even God thinks I'm right!" The rabbis shrug. "So now it's three against two. So what?" |
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| Blackjack | December 9, 2017, 8:35 am Post #1658 |
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A little girl's joke. Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me: Huh??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken! |
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| Blackjack | December 10, 2017, 8:54 am Post #1659 |
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A man had a portal to a secret world in his house Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm. But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his behind and get back to reality. |
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| Blackjack | December 12, 2017, 6:48 am Post #1660 |
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Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.” “Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But it’s a doberman Pincher, who uses a doberman Pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?” |
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| Blackjack | December 12, 2017, 7:25 pm Post #1661 |
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Christmas always stunk when I was a kid... I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. |
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| Blackjack | December 14, 2017, 10:32 am Post #1662 |
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My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “ keeps the doctor away, right?” “That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.” |
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| cricket55 | December 14, 2017, 7:37 pm Post #1663 |
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Why did Santa go to music school??? To improve his wrapping. |
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| Blackjack | December 15, 2017, 8:23 am Post #1664 |
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My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.” |
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| Blackjack | December 16, 2017, 7:31 am Post #1665 |
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What do you call a camel with a flat back? Humphrey |
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