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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,881 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.

'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.

The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"

'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"

Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

"They won't let me in without a tie..."
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Blackjack

A German joke from 1944



How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
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Blackjack

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘what you like for dinner my love,chicken, beef or lamb?’

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken please”

She replied, ‘You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat!’
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Blackjack

Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot, Everyone can catch a cold.
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M. Hawbaker
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Why did the turkey cross the road?


It was Thanksgiving Day, and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!
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Blackjack

I just found out how cheese is made. I was like: "No whey!"
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Blackjack

If I ever end up on life support unplug me. Then plug me back in again, see if that works.
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Blackjack

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!
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Blackjack

A lawyer died at 40 and reached pearly gates. He complained to St. Peter "It is unfair! Why did I have to die at young age. I was just 40".

St. Peter Replied "We decided to count billable hours. According to that you are 90."
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cricket55
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What did the fisherman say to the magician???

Pick a cod, any cod.
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Blackjack

What do you call a guy who can cut down trees without hitting power lines?

A smart feller.
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M. Hawbaker
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:spit
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Blackjack

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.
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Blackjack

What goes up, and never comes down?

Your Comcast Bill.
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Blackjack

Your groaner of the week.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
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