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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,980 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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M. Hawbaker
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There were three kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for generations.

Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily preparing for battle.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with a single squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated all the squires from the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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cricket55
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Blackjack
March 31, 2014, 6:39 am
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"





"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.



Get ready, here it comes.

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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh Boy. :groan
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Blackjack

cricket55
March 31, 2014, 5:58 pm
Oh Boy. :groan
You think that was a groaner! Get a load of this one.

A man walks into a restaurant with a newt on his shoulder.

He says to the waiter, "I'll have a salad for myself and Tiny here sitting on my shoulder. "

The waiter says, "Sure, but why's he called Tiny?"

"Oh, that's cos he's my newt"
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M. Hawbaker
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Why was the hen sitting on an axe?











































She wanted to hatchet.
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cricket55
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Awesome.
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
M. Hawbaker
March 31, 2014, 5:37 pm
Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Who thinks up these things?!? :rofl
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Blackjack

Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
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M. Hawbaker
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After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'

''No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'
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M. Hawbaker
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Sign on the back of an Amish carriage:
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
Extreme caution: Avoid exhaust.
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cricket55
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Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked what he had. Kevin replied he had Shingles, So she wrote down his name, address and medical insurance number and told Kevin to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurses aide asked Kevin what he had. Kevin replied he had the Shingles.
The nurse's aide wrote down his weight, height and complete medical history and told him to wait in the examing room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had, he replied Shingles. So the nurse gave Kevin a blood tests, blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and to await for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said The Shingles. The doctor asked where?? Kevin said outside on the truck.

:Becky
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M. Hawbaker
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:lol
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Blackjack

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

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M. Hawbaker
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A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, she shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, she turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the woman flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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Blackjack

One night a woman found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently, she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by his unusual display of deep emotions, she felt her eyes grow moist.

She slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear lovingly.

"It's amazing," he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $39.95!"
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M. Hawbaker
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:lol
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