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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,882 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone, call room service and ask why there is a tent in my room”
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Blackjack

A man from the US was staying in a Montreal hotel.

He noticed that when he turned on a tap that was labeled C, he got hot water. So, he called the manager to complain.

"Oh," explained the manager, "C stands for 'chaud', which is the French word for 'hot'."

"OK," said the American, "but the other one says C too."

"Bien sûr," replied the manager. "Montreal is a bilingual city."
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Blackjack

A bad workman blames his fools...

EDIT: tools

...stupid keyboard...
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Blackjack

If light travels faster than the speed of sound how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
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M. Hawbaker
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A farmer counted 199 cows in 
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
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Blackjack

When my boss asked me who the stupid one is, him or me?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
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Blackjack

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."

Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."

Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."

Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."
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Blackjack

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.
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cricket55
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M. Hawbaker
November 5, 2017, 2:30 pm
A farmer counted 199 cows in 
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
:spit
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Blackjack

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
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Blackjack

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. He announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
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cricket55
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I went to the bakery yesterday to get some short bread and they told me they did not make it any longer.
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Blackjack

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

Too much sax and violins.
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Blackjack

In this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from vandalism, stealing, battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,

"For my brother's funeral can you do me one favor?"

"Sure, and what might that be?"

"I'll pay you $10,000 if you call my brother a saint."

The preacher agreed and word broke like wildfire in this small community that the preacher would be calling the worst person in the town's history a saint, so the day of the funeral came and people were lined out of the door to hear what the preacher was going to say. Once everyone had arrived the preacher started his speech

"Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here today to mourn upon the most wicked, the most hateful, and maybe the worst person i have ever met in my life, but compared to his brother that is sitting in front of me. He was a saint."
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Blackjack

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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