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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,883 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away...

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius." The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!" The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins."
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Blackjack

One for the kids.

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
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Blackjack

Groaner of the week.


Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?

Da brie was everywhere!
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Blackjack

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
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Blackjack

If I got 50 cents every time I failed a math test...

I’d have about $6.30 by now.
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Blackjack

A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"
"Not a darned thing..."
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Blackjack

A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he sees two lines to get in. One is labeled "Predestination" and one is labeled "Free Will". So, being a Calvinist, he goes to the back of the Predestination line and waits for his turn.

When he gets to the front of the line, the angel looks him over and asks, "Why did you get in this line?" to which he relies, "Well, I believe in predestination, so I chose to get in this line." The angel shakes his head and says, "No, no, no, you belong in that line over there." so the Calvinist gets in the Free Will line.

Once again he waits until he's at the front and once again the angel at the front looks him over and asks why he got in this line. "Well, that guy over there told me to."
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Blackjack

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"

He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"
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Blackjack

One for the kids.

Where do GOLDfish keep there money?

At the river bank!
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Blackjack

One from India.



A man is struck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of the politicians and they are asking for a 1 trillion rupees ransom. Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, and collection donations."

"How much is everyone giving, an on average?" the driver asks.

The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"
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Blackjack

What do you do with sick chemists?

If you can't helium or curium, you barium.
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Blackjack

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"


"A harp", I replied.

"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.

So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"
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Blackjack

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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Blackjack

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose $350.
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cricket55
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Why did the broom leave the room????

It got swept away.
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