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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,884 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | October 5, 2017, 7:00 am Post #1591 |
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe darn it! BREATHE!! |
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| Blackjack | October 6, 2017, 8:59 am Post #1592 |
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A man rubs a bottle and a genie comes out. The genie says to the man, "I will grant you one wish however, it must be within reason." The man thinks for a second and says "I want a dragon!" The genie replies, "Are you mad? I said within reason!" Again the man thinks and finally speaks, "I wish for the ability to plug a USB cable in right every time." The genie thinks, then says, "What color do you want your dragon?" |
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| Blackjack | October 7, 2017, 9:36 am Post #1593 |
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A six-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama in London yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who that should have custody over him. The boy has a history of being beaten by both his parents so the judge initially gave custody to the boys aunt to make sure that the boy would be with the closest of kin but the boy refused, stating that the aunt beat him even worse then his parents did. The judge who was in shock after hearing this suggested that the boy could live with his grandparents but now the boy started crying and said that they also hit him! Learning that violence was so common in this family the judge took the unprecedented step of letting the boy propose who should have custody over him. After conferring with the child's welfare officials the judge granted custody to Arsenal Football Club whom the boy firmly believed was incapable of beating anyone. Edited by Blackjack, October 7, 2017, 9:36 am.
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| Blackjack | October 8, 2017, 8:32 am Post #1594 |
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A sad and depressed cat walks to a bar Bartender, "What will ya have?" Cat, "Shot of rum." (Bartender pours it.) (Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.) Cat, "Another." |
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| Blackjack | October 9, 2017, 6:58 am Post #1595 |
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A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? "I don't like her" replies the mother. |
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| Blackjack | October 10, 2017, 6:54 am Post #1596 |
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A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer, "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." |
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| cricket55 | October 10, 2017, 3:01 pm Post #1597 |
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What do you call a candle in a suit of armour??? A Knight light. |
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| Blackjack | October 11, 2017, 7:20 am Post #1598 |
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A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache." "Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed. |
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| Blackjack | October 12, 2017, 9:42 am Post #1599 |
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I asked my wife if she wanted to do something illegal tonight that involves beds. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she finds out we’re ripping all the mattress tags off this evening. |
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| Blackjack | October 13, 2017, 5:55 am Post #1600 |
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What’s the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can make it through one of his sketches without laughing. |
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| Blackjack | October 14, 2017, 4:47 am Post #1601 |
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Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven. Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?." God responds "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed." The conspiracy theorist gulps and turns to his friend. "Wow. This goes even higher up than we thought." |
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| Blackjack | October 15, 2017, 8:51 am Post #1602 |
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While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” |
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| Blackjack | October 16, 2017, 7:07 am Post #1603 |
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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” |
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| Blackjack | October 17, 2017, 11:56 am Post #1604 |
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One from Russia, possibly a repeat. A man asks a Russian, "What nationality were Adam and Eve?" The Russian replies, "Soviet of course!" The man asks, "How do you know?" To which the Russian replies, "Well they were both naked, had only an apple to eat, and thought they were in paradise." Edited by Blackjack, October 17, 2017, 11:57 am.
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| Blackjack | October 18, 2017, 6:33 am Post #1605 |
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My mother-in-law insisted that child birth was the greatest amount of pain anyone could endure. I protested! Saying that getting kicked in the male private parts was the worst pain that could be endured. She said she disagreed and wanted an explanation. I replied with “I’ve never seen a guy ask to get kicked there again, but I see plenty of women saying they want another child.” |
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