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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,886 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
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Blackjack

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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cricket55
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Blackjack
September 6, 2017, 12:20 pm
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
:groan
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Blackjack

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
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Blackjack

I saw an ad for a college class that said "you won't believe what you learn"
Why should I go then?
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Blackjack

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
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Blackjack

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.

One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed.

At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there.

I said, “No.”

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
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Blackjack

If a dog is man's best friend, then a cat must be man's snotty, passive-aggressive ex-girlfriend.
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Blackjack

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth one.”
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Blackjack

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candies, cookies, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little monster's name is Kevin.”
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Blackjack

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
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Blackjack

Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.
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M. Hawbaker
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:groan
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Blackjack

An oldie from grammar school days.


Why are Fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.
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Blackjack

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar!
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