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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,887 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Replies:
Blackjack

Groaner of the week.

Why was the herd of well-sighted deer so smart?

It was full of good eye deers.
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M. Hawbaker
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:groan
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cricket55
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Blackjack
August 24, 2017, 6:31 am
Groaner of the week.

Why was the herd of well-sighted deer so smart?

It was full of good eye deers.
:fish
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Blackjack

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."
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cricket55
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:lol
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Blackjack

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

He should get a No-Bell prize.
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Blackjack

What did the bishop say to the lazy priest?

You need to exorcise more.
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Blackjack

Push the envelope all you want...

It'll always be stationery.
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Blackjack

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"
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Blackjack

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "So? It's a scarf."
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Blackjack

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

"How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."

"Perfect," replied the owner. "I'll be in the back most of the day slicing meats and cheese, and making the sandwiches. Just let me know if you need anything."

The boy worked the front counter, and everything with fine in the morning until one lady came by in the mid afternoon.

"I'll take a small soda and half of a turkey sandwhich," said the lady.

"We can't cut the sandwiches in half, ma'am. They only come as a whole," said the boy.

"Where's your manager? Go ask him," directed the lady.

So the boy walked around the register and through the hallway leading to the back room where the manager was slicing cheese.

"So some ugly bitch wanted to buy only half of a turkey sandwich," the boy began... until he noticed the lady had followed him and was standing right behind. "...but thankfully this beautiful young lady wants to buy the other half!" he explained while half-motioning to the lady behind himself. "So I'm just going to cut the sandwich in half..."

"That'll be fine," the manager quickly interjected. "Cut it in half, and then charge her half-price," replied the manager.

The transaction went smoothly, as did the rest of the day. At the end of the day, the manager called the boy into his office to square up with the boy's wages.

"Kid, that was quite a save with the lady who wanted half of the turkey sandwich," said the manager.

"Yes..." began the boy.

"Where did you say you were from, again?" Asked the manager.

"Toronto," the boy replied.

"Toronto? Well tell me about Toronto."

"Not much to say, boss. Just a bunch of hockey players and the ugliest women you've ever seen." Said the boy.

"No kidding, my wife is from Toronto..." began the manager.

"...Really?! Which team did she play for?"

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Blackjack

When you go off gluten you really go against the grain!
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Blackjack

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket

You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure gonna try.
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Blackjack

Advance apologies if this is too risque.


A married couple of almost 20 years was lying in bed one evening when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became still. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.
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Blackjack

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
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