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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,888 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| cricket55 | August 9, 2017, 1:31 pm Post #1531 |
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:groan |
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| Blackjack | August 10, 2017, 7:28 am Post #1532 |
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Maybe a repeat. Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?" |
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| Blackjack | August 11, 2017, 9:07 am Post #1533 |
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A cat walks into a bar... The bartender says, "what'll you have?" The cat says, "A shot of rum." The bartender pours the cat his drink. The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table. "Another." |
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| Blackjack | August 12, 2017, 8:32 am Post #1534 |
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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in. |
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| Blackjack | August 13, 2017, 7:01 am Post #1535 |
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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it." |
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| Blackjack | August 14, 2017, 6:28 am Post #1536 |
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Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever. A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess. The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here." To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!" |
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| Blackjack | August 16, 2017, 11:25 am Post #1537 |
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A man was bragging about how good he was... He said that he was Time magazine's person of the year in 2006. (look it up) |
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| cricket55 | August 16, 2017, 7:11 pm Post #1538 |
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:wink |
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| Blackjack | August 17, 2017, 4:58 am Post #1539 |
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You are a 'merican when you go into the bathroom, and you are a 'merican when you leave it. But when you are inside the bathroom, you're a 'peein. |
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| Blackjack | August 18, 2017, 5:33 am Post #1540 |
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One from the former Soviet Union. An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die" |
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| cricket55 | August 18, 2017, 5:09 pm Post #1541 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | August 19, 2017, 6:52 am Post #1542 |
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My wife thinks that my obsesssion with Youtube is killing our marriage What do you think? Comment down below! Like and subscribe to my channel. |
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| Blackjack | August 20, 2017, 8:39 am Post #1543 |
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Good judgement comes from experience. And experience? Well that comes from poor judgement! |
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| Blackjack | August 21, 2017, 11:14 am Post #1544 |
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I came home from the bar four hours late last night. “Where have you been?” screamed my wife. I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some guys.” “Playing poker with some guys?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!” “So can you” I said, “This isn’t our house anymore.” |
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| Blackjack | August 23, 2017, 7:36 am Post #1545 |
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A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago." |
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