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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,889 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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Blackjack

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"...

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?
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Blackjack

Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog...

"Please get that thing away from me. I can feel fleas on my legs."

Dog owner to dog: "Rex move away, the lady has fleas."
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warrior-child
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:lol
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Blackjack

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day.

Got up too fast after watching the third film.
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Blackjack

English is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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Blackjack

For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married

I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
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Blackjack

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then neither will I."
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Blackjack

I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.

When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!

Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
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Blackjack

Why were the 'Dark Ages' so dark?

Because there were so many Knights.
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Blackjack

I was in a crash with a smart car today. The smart car was totaled.

My bicycle was fine, though.
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Blackjack

Everyone loved Priest John. He was a happy jolly fellow always willing to help or lend a hand. One time John was walking down the street humming a tune when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house. “Hey there sonny” said John “let me help you out”, and with that John reached out and pressed the bell.

“Anything else I can do for you,” asked John with a smile.

“Yes” said the boy. “Run! We’ve only got a few seconds before they come!”
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Blackjack

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”

The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
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Blackjack

I felt a great disturbance in the force today:

Millions of parents quietly rejoiced while their children cried out in terror and were quickly silenced by their new homeroom teachers.
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Blackjack

I found a lion in my wardrobe and asked him what he was doing there.

He said, "Narnia business!"
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Blackjack

What do you call a caveman who doesn't really know where he's going?

A meanderthal.
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