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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,890 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | July 17, 2017, 5:55 am Post #1501 |
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About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very dark, and I couldn't get all those horror movies out of my mind, bad things happen on roads at night. I was looking under the hood when I heard a voice, all ethereal and spooky. "Check your spark plugs" I looked around and I couldn't see anything so I ignored it and kept checking the engine. "Check your spark plugs" came the voice again, and I looked around and couldn't see anyone. So again I ignored it, but I was getting more uncomfortable by the minute. "Check your spark plugs!" came the voice louder now, and I turned around to see a white horse looking at me from a field. And lo and behold it opened its mouth and spoke: "Its your spark plugs, you should check them." I was a bit shaken by this but I checked my spark plugs and sure enough, that was the problem. I replaced the broken ones and was on my way - quite glad to be away from that creepy hellhole. I pulled into a pub a mile up the road, I was really quite shaken by the whole thing. The combination of the darkness and being stuck there was quite scary. The barman asked me if I was feeling alright, I looked a bit pale, so I told him my story about the horse and my car breaking down. Everyone around the pub listened in and when I was finished the barman said: "Hmm, you're lucky it wasn't the black horse" awful ominously, to murmurs of agreement from the people around. "Wh...why's that then?" I asked. The barman replied. "He knows nothing at all about cars" |
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| warrior-child | July 17, 2017, 10:11 am Post #1502 |
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:lol |
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| Blackjack | July 18, 2017, 7:49 am Post #1503 |
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Three spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR. After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didn't give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands so I couldn't speak." Edited by Blackjack, July 18, 2017, 7:50 am.
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| Blackjack | July 19, 2017, 5:34 am Post #1504 |
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100% original content. I finally got my wife to laugh at one of my jokes. "The day you find a joke funny I'll probably be so shocked that I'll drop dead." She laughed. Now I'm worried. Edited by Blackjack, July 19, 2017, 6:06 am.
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| M. Hawbaker | July 19, 2017, 7:39 pm Post #1505 |
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Posted Image |
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| Blackjack | July 20, 2017, 6:07 am Post #1506 |
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:pound |
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| Blackjack | July 20, 2017, 6:27 am Post #1507 |
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A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'. |
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| Blackjack | July 21, 2017, 9:44 am Post #1508 |
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I can't wait till New Year's Day, 2021. Then I can say hindsight is really 2020. |
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| cricket55 | July 21, 2017, 2:53 pm Post #1509 |
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:rofl |
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| Blackjack | July 22, 2017, 7:22 am Post #1510 |
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A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike... He had a sack of sand in his hand. "What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer "Just sand," said the kid. The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took a sample to a lab to have it tested, but all signs showed it was pure sand. Reluctantly, the officer let the kid go. The next day, the same kid rolled up on his bike to the Mexican border with another sack in his hand. Again, the officer asked what was in the bag. He searched through the bag and once again had the sack tested of its contents, but it was just sand. The officer had no choice but to let the kid leave again. This went on for years. The officer was sure that one day the kid would have something else in the sack, and eventually he drove himself to insanity. He was fired and became a heavy drinker. One day, he was at the bar when the teenager who had been crossing the border everyday with the sack of sand sat down next to him. The ex-border patrol officer looked at him and pleaded, "Look. All those times you were crossing the border, I know you were smuggling something! Please just tell me what it was and give me some peace at mind. I don't even work as a cop anymore!" The kid said, "Bikes." |
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| Blackjack | July 23, 2017, 8:02 am Post #1511 |
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She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me... At the end it didn't matter, I ruined the flowers I was going to give her. |
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| Blackjack | July 24, 2017, 6:10 am Post #1512 |
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It was such an emotional wedding... Even the cake was in tiers. |
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| Blackjack | July 25, 2017, 7:13 am Post #1513 |
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Growing tomatoes is a great way to waste 3 months trying to save $4.35.
Edited by Blackjack, July 25, 2017, 7:14 am.
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| cricket55 | July 25, 2017, 5:13 pm Post #1514 |
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What do you call a fly that screams alot???? A horse fly. |
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| Blackjack | July 26, 2017, 9:28 am Post #1515 |
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My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?” Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!” |
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