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| Super-duper Joke Thread | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (62,981 Views) | |
| Blackjack | February 21, 2014, 10:11 am Post #1 |
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After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go! Emergency call. There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves. Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help! |
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| Blackjack | March 27, 2014, 11:30 am Post #136 |
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Nothing personal or racist intended here. Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either." |
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| M. Hawbaker | March 27, 2014, 7:23 pm Post #137 |
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:heh |
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| M. Hawbaker | March 28, 2014, 7:47 am Post #138 |
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There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem. Soon, the king's tiny grass hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king. Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roops frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him. The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones." |
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| Blackjack | March 28, 2014, 11:11 am Post #139 |
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:groan |
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| Blackjack | March 28, 2014, 3:50 pm Post #140 |
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later. A local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Hazard, KY Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless." |
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| cricket55 | March 28, 2014, 4:48 pm Post #141 |
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:lol |
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| barb43 | March 28, 2014, 7:21 pm Post #142 |
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
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Absolutely love the wireless joke! |
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| M. Hawbaker | March 28, 2014, 8:33 pm Post #143 |
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:rofl |
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| M. Hawbaker | March 29, 2014, 5:42 am Post #144 |
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'The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today... He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers. |
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| Blackjack | March 29, 2014, 10:32 am Post #145 |
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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids....' |
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| barb43 | March 29, 2014, 5:45 pm Post #146 |
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
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:floor Love it! |
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| cricket55 | March 29, 2014, 6:18 pm Post #147 |
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:hysterical Awesome jokes. |
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| cricket55 | March 29, 2014, 6:55 pm Post #148 |
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In the hospital, relatives were gathered in the waiting room, where a family member was gravely ill. Finally the doctor came by looking tired and somber. I have some very bad news for you, as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope is for a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, it's risky, and you will have to pay for the procedure yourselves. The family sat silent, absorbing the information. One relative asked, "How much does it costs?" The doctor quickly responded: "The female brain is $20,000 and the male brain is $50,000." The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the females, and some even smirked. A young girl, letting curiosity get the better of her, asked: "Why is the female brain less expensive?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the whole group: "It is standard procedure to automatically mark down the female brain because it is used." Edited by cricket55, March 29, 2014, 6:59 pm.
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| Blackjack | March 31, 2014, 6:39 am Post #149 |
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. Get ready, here it comes. * * * * * * * * * * "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" Edited by Blackjack, March 31, 2014, 6:40 am.
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| M. Hawbaker | March 31, 2014, 8:48 am Post #150 |
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:faint |
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