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Super-duper Joke Thread
Topic Started: February 21, 2014, 10:11 am (44,227 Views)
Blackjack

After giving it some thought I have decided to create the Super-duper Joke Thread where all of the jokes can be posted rather than opening a new thread every day. This way you all can add jokes of your own too. Let's go!

Emergency call.

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
Caller: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?
Fire Department:Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
Caller:You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Fire Department: Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Caller: I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!


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M. Hawbaker
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A man walks into a bar...





































He says "ouch!"
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cricket55
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Good guys......... :lol


Why was Tigger looking in the toilet???






He was looking for Pooh. :drum
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Blackjack

A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it. He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital. Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed. Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DAA"
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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
:heh That's funny! ^^^

Got these in an email today. How many did you get right?


Something for seniors (or anyone who needs a thought break) to do to keep those gray cells active!

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
...What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
...Why not?

8. What was the President 's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
... what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
...how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

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barb43
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Wish Martha Stewart was My Sister!
Here are the answers:

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: None. There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly :heh

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama
[Oh, come on .... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.




(I missed #10 and #11 above. :heh )
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Blackjack

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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cricket55
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:lol
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M. Hawbaker
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Two small boys were overheard talking at school one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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Blackjack


:lol
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M. Hawbaker
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Terrorists take the entire US Congress hostage.

They tell the media that if their demands are not met they will release the hostages.
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Blackjack

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in...

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
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cricket55
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M. Hawbaker
February 24, 2014, 10:29 am
Terrorists take the entire US Congress hostage.

They tell the media that if their demands are not met they will release the hostages.
:heh
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Blackjack

Oldie but goodie.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"
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LifeInHim
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How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!!!


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